Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Try not to lose your cool this month, Aries. There are only so many spots of drywall left for you to punch a hole through. 

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Double knot your shoes this week, dear Taurus. You’re on thin ice as it is.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Next Thursday, watch your back. Imagine all the people talking behind it.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You’re checking this because you’re looking for your sign to do that thing you’re afraid to do. Consider this your sign, Cancer.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)

The sun is hot, but you’re hotter. But you already knew that. 

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)

It might feel like nothing is going your way, Virgo. However,  if you have patience you’ll see results. After all, when it rains it pours.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)

What you don’t know can’t hurt you. It’s a good thing you don’t know anything.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Or don’t. 

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

They say complaining won’t solve your problems, but this is definitely not the case for you, Sagittarius. A good amount of whining can get you just about anything.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Remember your new year’s resolution? How’s that going?

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

If you don’t even “believe” in astrology, why are you reading this? You know who you are.

Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20)

School is almost over! You can stop crying now.